With life, comes death. It is inevitable and no matter what, it will touch us all throughout our lifetime.
For my father, it came in the form of lung cancer. He was diagnosed in the summer of 2008. I can still remember walking into his hospital room that day and being told the news. It came as a shock to me. I can only imagine now what it must have felt like for him. He wanted to grow old. He had places to go and grandchildren to see. He wasn’t even retired. Being 53 wasn’t supposed to include cancer.
Living with Grief
To a certain extent, he was in denial. After all, how could you work hard your whole life only to find yourself unable to really enjoy it in the end? He was proud and stubborn, which made dealing with his illness difficult. I internalized it and no amount of preparing myself for his death was realistic. I knew the odds; the statistics.
His battle with cancer ended January 1o, 2009. I wasn’t even there with him when he died; only my mother was. He was supposed to come home from the hospital that day. He was doing better. I guess death didn’t get that memo. I woke up to my mother calling.
I was groggy and picking up the phone was mostly done by instinct. What I remember the most is the pause. She paused before she began and I could hear the tears in her voice. I stayed calm. I had to. I knew she was hurting so badly and the only thing I could do for her at that moment was be strong.
However, the moment I put down the phone, I lost it. I remember screaming and throwing myself to the floor. When I go back to that moment in my memory, it is painful just to watch. I could never have imagined what if felt like for a piece of my heart to break, but I did that day.
The journey of my grief is still alive 5 years later. Grief holds your heart for a lifetime. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my dad. He never got to meet my daughter or my youngest son. No holiday could even begin to be the same without him.
Some days, even the memories aren’t good enough. My heart aches for him. I find myself revisiting memories to come to a different conclusion; a different ending. However, the past is gone.
While grief may always remain, I find comfort in knowing that I love him. No amount of distance could ever change that. The pain over his loss has reminded me how much he truly meant to me. It also is a daily reminder not to take anyone for granted. I have complete faith we will meet again one day, but until then my love for him will never die..
Monique L. S. says
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss.
My mom died when I was young. It has been 25 yrs now, and though I can tell the story or talk about her without crying, time has not healed how much I miss her…especially after having a child of my own now. It is a testament to the people we love, that they can never leave us.
Kristen says
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mom at a young age. Missing the ones we love is never easy and time only makes it more tolerable…
Jody says
Grief is so hard, and often there are no words that can truly comfort.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Kristen says
You are exactly right Jody. Sometimes finding the words is the hardest part of all ….
Tammi @ My Organized Chaos says
What a beautiful and touching post, sadly I can relate so well. My father passed 4 months after our wedding, never meeting any of my children. My mother – 4 months after my oldest was born. I miss them so much but it hurts knowing that my kids will never know them. I know to always think, ‘they can see, they know them’, but it’s different. My kids don’t know them. I feel your pain, and how intense that can be sometimes, even after so long. Hugs my friend, I can’t say it ever gets better but in writing this, you are healing. xo
Kristen says
I am truly grateful that your parents got to see you get married Tammi. I imagine that day was one of the most special for them! I have complete faith that they look down upon the girls often and would be so amazingly proud of you as a mom! *hugs*
Sandy says
Oh my gosh, Kristen 🙁 I can hardly type through my tears. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad at such a very young age. How devastating. Thanks for sharing your story – it reminded me how very lucky I am to still have my father around (at age 87). I got to see him today and I feel grateful every time I have another chance to spend time with him. Your dad must have been a pretty special man….because he raised such a wonderful daughter like you! ((Hugs))
Kristen says
Thank you Sandy. So sincerely glad to hear that your dad is still with us! I can only imagine all the awesome stories he must have from so many years!!!!
paula schuck says
You are making me cry this morning. This is a beautiful post. I know he is watching you and your family and never far from range. I am so sorry and you are 100 % right grief holds your heart for a lifetime.
Kristen says
Thank you so much Paula!
Elizabeth Matthiesen says
With tears in my eyes I read your post. I lost my father at age 59, just a few short months before he should have retired. I felt, like you, it just wasn’t fair. He was a wonderful man, worked very hard all his life and died before he could enjoy a bit of relaxation. I still think of him often. He didn’t get to see his grandson born 9 weeks before he died either, nor none of his other grandchildren. It hurts and the hurt stays I just wish life had been fairer to him.
Kristen says
Oh Elizabeth….I am so truly sorry. My heart aches for you as well…..
Victoria Ess says
The bond between the two of you sounds wonderful. It has been my experience, too, that with time, things get better but the grief never quite goes away.
kathy downey says
Such a beautiful story touches my heart,my Dad has been gone 21 years and still it hurts so bad,i feel for you hugs !