As children, the majority of us live our lives with the belief that we are invincible and that there rarely is a finality to anything, except maybe to the day itself or to a toy that has seen far too many play times. Yet, somewhere along the way of growing up, we get a jolt from the blissful ignorance of childhood and realize that everything, including ourselves, has an end in one way or another.
I wish I could say that this realization comes easily, but for most of us, it takes the death of a beloved pet, a cherished friend, or a loved one, to actually see that everything around us has its time and its departure. When we finally find ourselves faced with the reality that someone we have cared for and loved is no longer with us, it is beyond a feeling like anything else.
I have to say that prior to my Father passing away, I tried desperately to prepare myself. I played the scenario over and over in my mind, in a futile attempt to be ready for the reality that lay ahead of me. However, there is no way to prepare yourself for something that you could not possibly experience until you find yourself dealing with it.
For me, it has been almost 2 years since my Father passed away and I wish that I could tell you it has gotten easier to accept. However, it has not. The hardest part has been accepting that there is no rewind. I cannot flip a magical switch and get a second chance to change anything. All I have now are memories and like anything else, they are both comforting and heartbreaking.
I find that the regrets are really what hurt the most. I loved my Father very much, but we were alike in so many ways and it often meant that we clashed over many things. I look back on all that now and wish I could have understood what would really matter in the end versus all the small stuff that we let bind us. The last time my Father came to see me was a week before he passed away.
I was pregnant with my daughter then and was not feeling very well. So when he came by to visit, I did not even leave my room. I laid in bed feeling ill, but was more overwhelmed than anything else. I lay their listening to him talking and wanted so badly to get up and go see him, but I did not want to chance him saying something that would upset me, or make me feel judged.
Instead of seeing my Father for the last time, I laid in bed. I cannot tell you how many times in a day I replay that scenario, but no matter what, I cannot change it. He called me a couple days after his visit and even then, I was short with him. I look back at it all now and see that I was hurting, but covered it up the only way I knew how.
So the last phone conversation I had with him, I was not at my best. When he went to the hospital, my Husband asked me if I wanted to go visit him and I told him, no because he would be out soon and he would be fine. I honestly had believed that.
So on a Friday, I realized I should have acted better and called him. However, my Mother answered and let me know that he had visitors and to try again later. I just told her to let him know that I called and asked how he was doing. Everything sounded good and he was going to be out of the hospital in a day or so.
So the day passed and I never called because I thought he was probably too busy and that if he got a chance, he would call me. However, it never came about. At about 11 o’clock that night, I started to think about how much my Father meant to me and how much I loved him.
I thought about all the wonderful things he had done for me and how much those things outweighed anything else. I wanted to call him so badly, but being that late at night, I did not want to wake him up. So, I told myself that I would call him in the morning. Unfortunately, I never got that chance……
I loved my Father and for that to be the end, breaks my heart. I cannot go back and run out the door and give him a huge hug and tell him how much I love him. I cannot sit next to his bedside and hold his hand as he passes away. I cannot begin to express the disappointment I feel for myself, even though I know my Father would never want that for me…………………
Aileen says
Awwww I understand how you feel. I know about the regrets, and it took me a long time to forgive myself for my regrets. But eventually you'll learn not to beat yourself up so much over the "what ifs?" and the pain will lessen. You didn't know what was going to happen. I was with my father up until about 30 mins before he passed away, all because I was hungry. We came back from having supper to find out he had past away 5 mins before. That was my what-if for years.
I only say this from experience, and I know it may seem hard to believe me. I believe time does heal wounds, though maybe not completely.
paula schuck says
I feel this post very strongly Kristen. What a beautiful and sad post. I am so sorry for you loss. It sounds like your Dad was very close to you and I get the personalities and similarities and how we clash sometimes as kids. I spent so much of my life moving away from my mother, trying to escape what I thought was overbearing and draining on my energy. When she got her diagnosis of dementia and ended up acutely sick and we had to move her here, then it was a chance for us to get over all that. We started over and were really good friends. Then it was just over like that. Sometimes being the child is difficult, but losing a parent is so sad in so many ways. I am so grateful that you are so giving and sweet and supportive of others going through this. I think you are gifted at supporting others and empathizing with others.